10 of the worst things in the world

A lot of my friends say to me, 'Oh Hayley, you're such a positive person, how do you stay happy all the time?' You want the truth? I'm not happy all the time. I'm human. Things anger me much like anyone really, I just have a different way of approaching them (I.e.looking like Jack Skellington from 'The Nightmare Before Christmas' with the biggest grin on my face when secretly I'm dying to punch everyone in the face.) Below is a list of the top Ten things that anger me the most, and if you can relate then that's fantastic, let's be miserable and angry together..

10 - Sales Calls

To anyone out there that works for sales companies it's great that you have a job and I'm sure you are a lovely pleasant individual, but ringing me at peak times like when I'm trying to enjoy a nice meal or study for that all important English exam? NO. I'M 18 YEARS OF AGE, IN WHAT WORLD WOULD I EVER STOP IN MY TRACKS AND THINK 'DO YOU KNOW WHAT? I HAVEN'T CONSIDERED GETTING DOUBLE GLAZING IN A WHILE. IT'S LUCKY IT'S 8PM, I'M SURE I'LL RECEIVE A SALES CALL ANY MINUTE NOW OFFERING ME 15% PERCENT OFF MY NEXT DOUBLE GLAZING PURCHASE..'

The only interest I have in double glazing is on my Krispy Kreme doughnut when I take a trip to Bluewater. Enough said. Stop ringing me.

9 - Catty Comments

'Oh, you're looking very plump at the moment, might want to lay of the Krispy Kreme doughnuts for a while' ... 'I like your new top, I was going to buy it but I'm so toned it would show off my abs and perky breasts, oh but it looks nice on you though, suits your, er, figure shape' ... 'Oh so I see you've started seeing that guy from the party last week, you know he's just got out of a relationship with a swimwear model right? She was so pretty, but I'm sure you guys will be cute together too for a little while. SHUT UP. You're not perfect yourself, stop trying to make people feel bad about themselves, it's not cool and it's not smart. I like my top, I also like Krispy Kreme doughnuts and yes I'm not a swimsuit model but I'd rather shoot myself in the face then have people take pictures of me in exchange for money.

8 - The Non-Smoker's protest

Every friend group has one, that one person that sees you light up with a look of disgust on their face. They cough and splutter every time you take a drag even if they're miles away from the excess smoke, and they make comments each time they see a packet of cigarettes at the bottom of your bag. 'You know you really shouldn't smoke, it's bad for your health..' Oh really? This whole time there I was, thinking it was benefitting my health like a detox smoothie or Zumba class, but it's actually damaging?? Man, I better put these deadly sticks in the bin right away, thank you for pointing that out to me, you better go tell the nation because I don't think they are aware of the risks of smoking as much as you are. I made the decision to smoke, I restrict myself in how many I have a day and I understand the health risks, please stop prattling on about it, your opinion is as much worth as a fancy dress outfit at a black tie occasion.

7 - The fake drunks

Collapsing over any guy or girl they can find in the hope they'll find it arousing and want to snog the face off them in their 'drunken states,' the 'Hayley, I love you so much can we hang out more often? You're just so cool' comments outside in the smoking area as they rest their faces on the cold concrete and I'm expected to pick them up and carry them back inside, the cringe worthy dance moves which almost always end in some kind of strip tease, whether you want to see 'it' or not, and the calls to the ex boyfriend or girlfriend 'baby please take me back, I've dyed my hair and lost 2 stone, what we had was special, WHAT DO YOU MEAN I'M DRUNK?' Then suddenly, at precisely 12am at night, a miraculous recovery has occurred and the drunkest person at the party is no more? Get a grip, no one likes a fake drunk.

6 - PDA, and couple selfies

Ok please don't get me wrong, I have been that person who takes the occasional 'couple selfie' in previous relationships, so perhaps you can call me a hypocrite, but the continuous updates? Twitter indirects 'ahahahahahah Joe just put a drop of tea in my coffee, this boy (loveheart emotion entered here)' Instagram uploads 'Joe just brought me some chewing gum from the store, I love this boy (loveheart emoticon entered here)' Facebook updates 'Two days with my one and only Joe, be together forever baby (you guessed it, loveheart emoticon entered here.)
Please stop, not only are singletons out there clinging onto their pets desperately whilst stuffing their faces with double glazed Krispy Kreme doughnuts convincing themselves they'll be alone forever (totally not me) you're getting so absorbed in announcing your relationship to the world that you're actually forgetting the most important part of being IN the relationship, the other person.

5 - Trying to find the end of the Sellotape
A strong hate of mine since the first time I ever encountered Sellotape in primary school. The hate is so strong that I  buy pre-wrapped gifts or pretty bags to put gifts in at Christmas and Birthdays so to not have to deal with the frigid bitch that is Sellotape.

 4 - Queue Jumpers

How the fuck do you sleep at night knowing that you irritated every single person in that queue by pushing in front of them?! You guys, are the work of the devil, I hope you have a long long queue into hell.

3 - Those people that know everything there is to know about the exam you are about to sit, even though they sat there doing fuck all during study leave

Some people are just naturally talented at exams and can easily memorise everything they need to months before it's needed, but like the majority of students out there, I have to work my arse of to get a decent grade. It gets worse when you see those bastards on results day, smugly looking at their A* grades when all you got was a B despite putting your entire life into revision for that exam. They'll come over to you, already aware that they did better than you by the look of despair in your face, but will still ask what grade you got because they want to feel bigger headed than they already are. When they find out what grade you got, fake empathy spreads across their face, before their mood quickly changes as they announce their grade loudly making sure your parents hear so they can begin to wish that this smug twat was their son/daughter instead of you, because they're so good at fucking everything.

2 - Jehovah's Witnesses

I have, and always will be open to all religions, I don't dismiss any, and have no strong beliefs in any in particular religion. However, I will always be about 129% more reluctant to be educated on a religion if that religion end up banging the door of my house continuously for about 15 minutes in the hope that I will eventually open the door and after about 2 hours be converted. I'm sure I'm like many others out there, peeking out the window before falling dramatically to the floor in the fear they may see me desperately switching every light off in the house with an old coat hanger. It's not a nice way to spend your afternoon, afraid of your own front door, and quite frankly, I would like for it to stop. If I was interested in converting from an optimist, I would contact the chosen religion immediately, I don't need someone at my doorstop to convince me thank you very much.

1 - Negative People

Now this makes me a complete hypocrite, because I have spent the last hour writing down everything that is wrong with the world and how miserable I am. But I can ensure you that I am not always like this. I find stupid things make me happy, like looking up at the trees on my walk home from a night out, or when I switch my phone off for day so I don't have to deal with people and technology for a while, tickling my little sister until she's near wetting herself with laughter, or finally eating that food I've been craving for weeks (it was mango, and oh my LORD it was so good..) It seems, especially in London, that everyone has one thing or another to complain about all the time, and it's bringing people down. It's okay to rant every once in a while, it's human and we all do the time, but making it a continuous thing is what is fuelling so much depression and pessimism. The world is pretty fucking wonderful, you've just got to see the light in everything wrong and look for the things that make you truly happy, whether it's dressing your dog up as a sumo wrestler (I totally don't do that) or finally asking that girl you like out for a drink, it doesn't matter, it's what makes you happy and that's fantastic.


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Hayley Sigrist